06 July 2017

Broken

Have u ever felt u r the loneliest person in the world?
I can feel some of my close buddies are slowly ditching me, which makes me feel unwanted at certain time. It saddens my heart.
Mungkin sbb selama ni dia tempat aku mengadu segala hal.
I guess this is the time for me to deal with reality, where people spend most of their time with their soulmate, just to be in the path and dream they want to work it on, while me...
I only have my family. That's it. I have to be clear that different people have different journey.
Most of my friends already have their own so-called life partner. Sebab tu kot aku rasa aku ni 'sorang2'. Aku rasa aku dah tak diperlukan sebab masing2 dah berpunya.
Hanya diperlukan bila ada masalah je.
I am a loyal person. I value my friendship with mutual trust to each other and never cross my mind to break them apart.
But I can sense the distant friendship that not used to be that good anymore. I don't wanna waste my time for some people that would make me feel unwanted by presence. Because of that, I choose not to meet anyone, I prefer to be alone, I kinda like that. Takpe lah sorang2 pun.
Forgive me, my ego can be as high as the sky.
And I hope this is not a symptom of any type of depression exist by research in this world.

Sooner or later, I will understand what most of my friends are going through once I'm in relationship. I wonder how it feels like to be in relationship again? It has been quite some time though.


People change, right? Yeah.

16 June 2017

Life update

*ambik bulu ayam, tiup habuk*
Ye, blog ni berhabuk sungguh. I ditched this space of mine because my life forced me to do so.
Sekarang ni aku tengah final exam. Tinggal satu paper lagi je, Philosophy of Management. Habis je paper Sensory Evaluation, aku rasa macam nak tidur untuk beberapa hari. Please wake me up on 20th May. Because I got last paper on that day and I'm now counting days to be back home. Padahal study week baru je balik sebab sambut puasa dengan family. Semester 6 ni paling banyak balik rumah kot haha. Dalam tempoh 4 tahun, ni first time rasanya dapat sambut 1st Ramadan dekat rumah. Wallahi that feeling :')

I honestly cannot wait to be at home again. Sebabnya, banyak sangat benda kena tempuh masa minggu2 terakhir sebelum habis semester. I am now currently working on my ongoing Final Year Project until December 2017. First time tak tidur 2 hari siapkan proposal writing utk fyp aku. Stress buat FYP, pasang lagu raya walaupun masa tu puasa belum start lagi. Exaggerated sangat kan? Haha. Itulah sape suruh buat kerja last minute, padan muka. Sila ambil pengajaran ya wahai diri sendiri. Masa presentation cuak jugak sbb ramai yang kena bash, ada yang siap kena tukar tajuk lagi. Alhamdulillah, Allah permudahkan urusan aku.

Habis presentation, meronggeng dengan Ezza ke Sushi King kat bandor. Lepas tu bawa beliau pegi karaoke haha first time pergi karok dekat Ganu ni. Gaya macam dah habis siap thesis writing padahal baru nak start project.
Sushi is lyfe.

Time flies so fast. Ramadan, selain menahan lapar dan dahaga, bulan yang paling kena banyakkan ibadah, kuatkan semangat untuk cuba bangun malam dan jadikan amalan untuk hari2 yang akan datang. The fastest Ramadan I have ever felt. Walaupun setiap tahun bulan puasa rasa macam cepat sangat. Dan bila masa berlalu dengan cepat, aku sangat appreciate masa untuk diri sendiri, keluarga terutamanya dan kawan2. I learned a lot of things about giving a token of appreciation to people that I love. Kalau Dekat Ganu ni, ada beberapa orang yang sudi untuk bersama2 dengan aku dalam susah dan senang. Ada beberapa yang mahu melangkah bersama2 dengan aku untuk ke jalan-Nya. Selain roommate, walaupun dia tak baca blog ni, tapi dia adalah antara insan yang paling hebat. Kepada AB dan perempuan berperilaku seperti ibu, awak pun tak baca blog ni juga, (sebab tak ramai tahu aku ada blog unless silent reader or stalker maybe :P) aku pun mengagumi kalian dalam bertarbiyah menegakkan agama Islam.
Sisterhood, terima kasih juga untuk 2 tahun yang amazing walaupun tinggal aku dengan Ezza je yang meneruskan perjuangan berbaki 6 bulan lagi. Should spend my life here without regret anymore even though I'll back to the place I should be for good one fine day.

Mungkin sebab baru2 ni aku baru kehilangan kawan merangkap coursemate aku, Kak Mia. Ajal dan maut itu datang pada waktu yang kita sendiri tak sangka. Aku tak sangka kemalangan adalah pengakhiran buat dia yang sebenarnya menderita sakit. Sampai sekarang aku rasa menyesal sebab aku tak sempat nak tegur masa berselisih dengan Kak Mia beberapa hari sebelum dia accident. Pelik juga macam mana aku hanya berselisih saja, padahal sebelum ni kalau terserempak mesti lepak bergosip sekali. Sapa nak teman aku makan sama2 habis lab next sem nanti?

Rindunya arwah.

Lepas kejadian tu, aku selalu remind diri sendiri. Jumpa orang yang aku kenal dekat mana2, tolonglah tegur dulu. Tapi tulah, spesies aku ni jalan menonong tak pandang kiri kanan, memang patutlah ramai cakap aku ni hard to approach. Eh, tak kenal maka tak cinta oi!

Dah separuh tahun 2017, aku berjaya atasi mild depression dalam diri aku. Walaupun kadang2 rasa masih ada baki perasaan yang tak sepatutnya tapi cepat2 jauhkan dari fikiran tu. Depression is all about the way you think which it will give a big impact to your entire life. If negativity overwhelm your way of thinking, you'll be doomed. Therefore, what I want to highlight here is being a depressed person once was truly sucks. Treatment? I didn't get myself treated until I fully recovered :D. Semangat kena kuat, tahu?

Oh yes, so dah last paper syndrome pun melanda diri ni, aku decide untuk kuatkan semangat supaya tabah menempuh last paper nanti. Andddd I have coming up with many plans to do for my pre-preparation for this Raya! I can literally smell baked goods in kitchen at my home. CAN'T WAIT!



09 February 2017

#111

"Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain't all sunshine and rainbows. It's a very mean and nasty place and I don't care how tough you are it will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me, or nobody is gonna hit as hard as life. But it ain't about how hard ya hit. It's about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward. How much you can take and keep moving forward. That's how winning is done! Now if you know what you're worth then go out and get what you're worth. But ya gotta be willing to take the hits, and not pointing fingers saying you ain't where you wanna be because of him, or her, or anybody! Cowards do that and that ain't you! You're better than that! I'm always gonna love you no matter what. No matter what happens. You're my son and you're my blood. You're the best thing in my life. But until you start believing in yourself, ya ain't gonna have a life. " -Rocky Balboa in Rocky (1976)

18 January 2017

Self-reflection

Waktu paling tenang bagi aku, selepas maghrib baca al-Mathurat dengan al-Waqiah dan sambung surah dalam al-Quran sebab nak khatam lagi. Selagi hidup ni, khatam lah banyak mana pun, pahala pun banyak alang2 tu baca tafsir sekali biar faham.

Dulu aku jarang baca al-Mathurat, selalunya lepas solat terus baca al-Quran. Kalau al-Mathurat tu biasanya aku dah lancar, so most of the time aku akan baca tafsir dalam hati.

Wallahi, the feeling in between of that time, I feel like I am so small.
Subhanallah wal hamdulillah wala ila haillallah wallahu akbar
Subhanallah… subhanallah… subhanallah

Tak semena-mena air mata ni mengalir.

Kalau baca surah ar-Rahman, 31 kali ulang “Maka nikmat Tuhanmu yang manakah engkau dustakan?”
Weh, sekali lagi rasa kecik sangat.

Tipulah aku sebagai manusia biasa, tak pernah merungut dengan apa yang aku ada.
Kenapa orang lain boleh macam tu?
Kenapa orang lain dapat?
Kenapa aku tak boleh jadi macam tu?
Kenapa aku tak dapat?

Kebanyakan orang akan define rasa kebahagiaan bila dia punya harta, kaya, benda2 duniawi. Yang hidup sederhana, miskin, tak bahagia itu satu signifikan.

Lepas tu aku tersentak kejap. Nikmat tu ujian, dan ujian yang turunkan dekat hambaNya berbeza2. Kita tahu yang tu. Tapi tak ramai yang tahu nikmat yang kita kecapi, kebahagiaan yang kita rasa adalah ujian, sama ada kita ingat dekat dia, atau sebaliknya.

Let me relate with my life after all those babbling above. 

Hidup aku, sederhana je. Ayah dan ibu beri aku cukup makan, pakaian, dan setiap bulan elaun sara diri jauh di perantauan (apa kau ingat duduk overseas baru digelar perantau ke?) tak pernah miss. Aku pula tak pernah meminta dan merungut lebih2.

But one day, the beast living inside me finally exposed herself. Aku penat dengan apa yang aku buat sekarang, dan aku start untuk salahkan takdir.
Aku whatsapp dekat ibu aku. Bermula dengan aku tak dapat nak withdraw duit dari bank BSN. Bank kerajaan ni memang sucks. Dari servis ATM sampai lah ke kaunter. Ada 5 kaunter, yang boleh berurusan ada 2. Tunggu lah dekat sejam nak tukar kad debit. Ok tu cerita lain, melalut jauh pulak.

Aku marah2, terus terang aku cakap waktu ni aku rasa aku almost bukan diri aku. Aku pun satu, marah2 kemain padahal ibu mana boleh buat apa-apa oun. Takkan ibu aku nak datang repair ATM tu pulak kan? Bayangkan dari isu tak dapat nak withdraw sebab aku terdesak nak guna duit, tiba2 berjangkit aku stress nama aku tak tersenarai untuk pergi pameran MAHA, dengan markah Test 1 aku untuk dua subjek memang kelaut habis. Pasal markah test 1 tu aku paling stress lah. Sape tak bengang bila kau dah usaha tapi kau masih tak dapat? Paling aku geram bila kawan aku acah tak study tapi dapat score tinggi dari aku. Wadehek.

Start dari isu markah, aku cakap dengan ibu aku dah give up. Maybe sebab aku dah lama pendam, aku tak tahu nak cerita kat siapa. Aku tak nak study sini. Aku tak nak teruskan apa yang aku dah buat. Aku dah lost trust dengan orang sekeliling. Pointer aku pun makin hmmm. Aku start ungkit balik result SPM yang tak cemerlang mana, matrik, sampai lah latest dekat ibu aku. Memang aku marah gila waktu tu, macam orang tak ada iman. Lepas tu aku pun minta maaf dekat ibu aku. I went over the limit.

Apa ibu aku cakap;
Sabar banyak2 along. Itu semua ujian dekat Along. Ibu selalu doakan anak2 ibu berjaya.

Yelah. Ujian. Sampai bila ujian macam ni aku kena hadap?

Orang tengok aku happy, acah2 banyak achievement unlock kononnya life goals lah. Tapi dari segi perkara yang sepatutnya menjadi keutamaan aku, memang dah terbabas habis.

Before 2016 ended, I was in depression, I lost my motivation. Aku tak pernah mengalami depresi ok dan baru aku faham perasaan orang depressed ni macam mana. Stress tu benda biasa lah sebagai student, but depression is a big NO for me.
I noticed myself that I don’t want to meet anyone. Just because that one incident made by my close friend, I lost my trust to my circle. Aku tak mengungkit balik apa dia dah buat, tak cakap apa2 pun. Aku cuma tenang. Just enjoy the show.
I distanced myself from people that I close to, I choose to be alone for entire time. I don’t want to be noticed by society. I can give fully cooperation only for the work, after that no more.  Bila dah rasa sorang2, rasa tenang. Nak keluar rumah pun rasa malas. I didn’t response any of conversation in Whatsapp groups, a mere silent reader and finally left a few of Whatsapp groups which is not related to my work. Padahal dorang takde kena mengena dengan isu aku pun. I blocked a few of them on Whatsapp so that they can’t reached me. Malas nak jawab typical question ‘apesal kau left group?’

Because I don’t know why, I just want to be alone.

Lepas dah unblock dorang, aku pun dah ready dengan alasan yang direka entah apa2. Sorry yalls, please understand me. I was torn apart. Ya, aku tipu korang. Aku lagi rela tanggung sendiri daripada cerita perkara sebenar. Maybe sebab masa tu aku rasa kalau aku share problem aku pun, what you gonna say? You offered me an advice but I don't think it would help me either. You guys also have own issues to take care of. 

Dah ego macam tu lah.

Idk if some people notice my changes, but they choose to shut their mouth instead of asking me. Well yeah, I am good in pretending, good in hiding what I have been going through. I was struggling with myself, it was hard and painful.

Siapa2 yang kenal aku, baca entri ni mesti tak percaya kot. I am best known as a girl with full of positivity.  I have no issues with anyone, because it is my nature not to meddle in someone’s business. I am kind of person that would do everything by my own but in the meantime, I have to take care of my circle. It’s not like I just gotta be alone all of the time, but there’s a time that I have to be alone so please, respect my privacy.

After all this time, I claimed myself as extrovert – easyoing person. Nasib aku baik juga, suatu hari aku tersedar dengan apa yang aku dah buat. I can’t stand still, I must find a way to get rid of this feeling. Aku tak nak jadi introvert. Aku siap buat beberapa test untuk tengok tahap social life aku. Mostly give negative result. I am not an introvert. I am an ambivert.

What I can say is, this is the most complicated issue that I’ve ever had in entire life. I admit that all of these happened because of myself. Before this I am quite positive during my lowest, I can handle them very well. Tapi tulah, sabar manusia ada hadnya. I went over the limit.
Sejak aku amalkan al-mathurat lepas solat, aku lebih tenang. Aku ada masalah, Allah nak aku merintih pada Dia. Aku berdoa lepas solat, tapi sejauh mana aku mendalami apa yang aku ungkapkan? Selalu tak buat tahajud bila terjaga waktu malam?

Kalau setakat ujian macam tu aku tak mampu nak hadap, macam mana dengan ujian orang lain yang Allah turunkan lagi hebat dugaannya? Ujian tak cukup makan sebab duit pt dah habis? Ujian tak dapat nak teruskan study? Keluarga porak peranda? Hidup kaya travel sana sini tapi baca al-Quran pun masih lagi merangkak? 

Sedih. Diri ni masih tak bersyukur rupanya. Allah dah kurniakan keluarga yang baik dekat kau Pija. Dapat ayah yang jaga solatnya, mendidik anak supaya jaga ibadahnya, imam dan bilal di surau, subuh tak pernah miss dekat masjid, masih lagi tak nak bersyukur?
Bukan semua keluarga dapat merasai nikmat itu.
Sekali lagi, “Maka, nikmat Tuhanmu yang manakah engkau dustakan?”

Diri ini sahaja harapan keluarga sekarang ni.

9 Januari, birthday aku baru2 ni. Aku dapat a few of surprises daripada kawan2. Sebelum birthday, sampai ada yang buat handmade planner book 2017 dan hantar cheesetarts ke rumah aku. Terharu sangat beb.
We went through deeper conversation among ourselves along with the breezy of South China Sea. I realized that, I still have those gems who supports me other than my family whenever I feel like giving up. I also realized that, I need someone to talk to actually.
Please appreciate people who never leave you behind, Pija.


Doakan aku dapat tempuh segalanya dengan baik. Tahun ni aku dah start PITA 1, or FYP. 
Semoga dipermudahkan. Let's hope for the very best that I could do after this, 2017 will be a challenging and yet tiresome year I guess.
Put aside those negative vibes which may affect you, shall we?


13 November 2016

Mimpi

I should let myself cry out at the top of my lungs, well at least here, literally.
It has been few times the same person come into my dream, 

I am that kind of person who don't simply believe on facebook quote "jika mimpikan seseorang bermakna dia sedang merinduimu" whadehek yall facebook people are so funny isn't it???

But what if its really true.... Hmm
Macam mana kalau dia memang betul2 tengah berdoa, and his prayers all pointing out to me? Hmm

Sometimes, I will wake up from my deep sleep with tears after I got the dream. I feel like it's torturing my mind. Can't seem to have my breath properly. Quite confusing and I'll be like "alah mimpi je pun" Tapi dah banyak kali pulak ni, and it comes in 'seasonal', tak tahu la nak rasa apa. I'll immediately having flashbacks moments happen right in front of my eyes. 
The first day we talked to each other because of our group work.
The first day we took photo together.
The time that we cherish all the moments as friends in high school years.
The time we're struggling and preparing for our exam when it just around the corner.
The day that you decided to be with someone else. I backed off  realizing I am just a friend, how precious your relationship at that time.
The day that you went away,  I am the one who reluctant and insisted to run whenever we nearly bumped bcos of one incident. I admit that I was too ashamed with my own behavior.
And then, he left. Without saying anything.

Then he came back, texted to me out of the blue (Whatsapp doesn't exist back then haha) asking for forgiveness. Yang peliknya, aku je sorang member perempuan yang dia minta maaf. I still remember each of his sentences that just show how pure he was.

I want to meet you but I know its never going to happen. My mind says "you should let go of everything". But my heart won't let me to do, instead "you should wait for him"

For how long?

I don't even know where comes the strength, full of confidence saying that clearly he is waiting for me too, atau aku je yang perasan terlebih sebab masih tersepit dengan memori lama.

Keeping a strong faith, Allah listen my prayers. Allah will always be with me. I don't like seeing myself with that kind of condition so I'll just let it slide for now. He indeed knows what's the best for me right? Chill.